Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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