I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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