I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize