Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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