what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
