So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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