Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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