I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
