omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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