You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
