I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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