She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
