Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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