i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize