apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i barfeds in our rink
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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