"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
