Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I love having hate sex.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
