who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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