New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
