I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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