i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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