You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
