i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
