how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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