I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
