need another drink. this is the easiest way
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
