you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
