the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
