my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
