hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize