I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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