mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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