well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
