Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
