Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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