This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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