Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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