Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize