Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can't put those talents on a resume
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
