Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
