If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
