I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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