Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
