I cockslap morals
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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