too bad you live with your parents still
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize