I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
