Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
