I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
