if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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