my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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