So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
