well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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