Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
