True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
