Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
