Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
