You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
