Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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