I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
