I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
