my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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