Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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