My balls are so social today.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
