i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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